One Year

It's been a long time since I blogged on this page. I'm not really good at keep this updated. It's two months now since the One year mark of losing Johnathan. I had no idea what that day was going to hold. How would we get through it. It's like it happened all over again. You know I guess no matter what when you become a mother everything changes. I still am so proud of my little boy. I think about his sweet smile and chubby cheeks. I think about what he would be like now. Just a little over a year old. Would he be like his daddy? Would his eyes have been blue or green? How tall would he be? Would he have little friends? I think about what it would have been like to take him to my sister's at Halloween. What would I have dressed him up as? Would he love playing with his cousins? I think about Uncle Greg and Aunt Heather, Uncle AJ and Aunt Maria getting to snuggle him and getting to know him. Aunt Theresa and Aunt Lizzy spoiling him. I am sooooo grateful for the time I had with him but we just missed so much. I think about Christmas time every year knowing that he should be there with us but never will be. I think about him sitting under the tree in the mist of a pile of presents with his eyes all wide with excitement. I think about the cute Christmas PJ's I'm sure I would have put him in. Sleeping at Papa's and Grandmas waking up to all of the traditions that have been passed down. Sometimes its overwhelming to think about all of the little things. What about when we have more children how to I make Johnathan real to them to explain where he is and why he is no longer with us. I will carry him with me always but will they? Our lives would be so different if he where here with us still. I can't even imagine how different? I understand that I will never have all the answers but my heart still aches when I see things that remind me of him. I'm sure it always will. I miss my sweet Johnathan everyday and all of the things that would have been.